Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
