So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
