Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
