I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
