I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
