just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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