i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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