I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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