i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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