I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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