i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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