So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
