I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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