Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
