ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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