its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
