My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
