i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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