and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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