the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
