god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
