i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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