I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
