My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
