im six kinds of drunk right now
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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