i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My feet surprised me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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