So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
