You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
