When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
