matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
