just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
