ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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