Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
