i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So much rum. So many feels.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
