well I can't set my house on fire every night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
