I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
