wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
