New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
