when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We had sex on a dog bed..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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