I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize