People in love make me want to vomit
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
