I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
