Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
