if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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