just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
