yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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