HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
