So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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