Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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