Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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