I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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