I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize