we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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