Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
