he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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