anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
