Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
