I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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