This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
