I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
