when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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