Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
