Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my being single is dangerous.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
