Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need to sanitize my soul.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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