I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
