Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
