shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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